Chapter 3.1 – Reagan & Ryan

Reagan had to get out of that room. Her stupid brother made a joke out of their father’s affair, and a dirty one, even though he was right. But she didn’t really care about his stupid joke. She and Taylor used to be the same, almost like sisters. They each had a crappy parent and shared their good one with each other. And they both were half-sisters with little Connie. All of that suddenly changed.

She flopped down onto her bed and let the tears flow, as she realized everything she ever believed had been a lie. First her mother’s affair, then her mother’s lover ran down her Aunt Ami, and now her daddy had an affair too.  Plus, he lied to her about everything.  Nothing was right anymore.  Now that she thought about it, Daddy had always been taken with the beautiful Taylor who looked so much like Dannie, the woman he really loved.  She and Ryan were nothing more than stepkids – with a criminal for a mother.

She had almost felt normal before, had been happy even. But her father deceived her. He lied, something he promised he would never ever do. Maybe it wasn’t her mother’s fault after all.  Maybe her daddy drove her away with his lies.

It’s not fair! she thought, as tears ran down her face and onto her pillow. No matter how nice Dannie tried to be, she would never be her mother, not like her own daddy was really Taylor’s.

Reagan heard a knock on her door and it cracked open. “Reagan baby. Can I come in?” asked the traitor.

She didn’t know why he bothered to ask, he was already halfway in. She quickly tried to dry her tears and sat up on the edge of her bed. “Whatever,” she muttered.

Her dad sat down next to her and suddenly everything she was feeling just came spewing out of her mouth, uncontrolled, “You are MY daddy. You can’t be Taylor’s too. It’s not fair. You cheated on Mother! Just like Ryan said! That’s why she hates you, isn’t it! You lied!”

He looked mortified, and sad maybe? And that made her a little sad too because she had loved her father more than anything in the whole world. He had kept her and Ryan safe when everything fell apart. He had even let them sleep with him when they were afraid he might leave them too. And then Dannie showed up.  And now, she had lost her daddy – to her and Taylor. At least she still had Ryan. Maybe.

“No,” he said softly, “I never cheated on your mother. She and I weren’t together when Dannie became pregnant. I’m not saying what we did was okay, it wasn’t. But now we are together, and we have Taylor. Something good came out of it.”

“For YOU maybe…Your stupid ‘mistake’ just ruined my life!” retorted Reagan waving her hands in the air. He just didn’t understand. Why should he?  He had a new family. “You don’t need me and Ryan anymore.”

She saw the hurt in his face and it made her cry more. “Come here angel,” said the betrayer, “that’s not true.” He pulled her into his arms and she let him. One last time, she thought as she sobbed. She could pretend like he was still hers. She never wanted to think of him comforting Taylor this way, not anymore. Somehow, she didn’t mind sharing him when he wasn’t Taylor’s real father. It made her proud, because he was her father first, but no more.  If he had known Taylor was his when she was first born, she knew, she and Ryan wouldn’t even exist.

He began to rock her gently back and forth and she began to cry harder. This wasn’t real anymore! It wasn’t fair. This was where she had always felt safest, in her father’s strong arms, and somehow, it wasn’t hers to have anymore. She didn’t know what to believe. He was Taylor’s dad, not hers. She began to try to pull away from him, even as it felt like her insides were being ripped out.

He only held her tighter when she began to struggle which made her angry. He had no right.  Then he began to talk to her softly, as if she were one of his frightened animals. “Reagan, I could never love Taylor or Connie more than you and Ryan. Don’t ever think that. In my mind, you and Ryan are my first born children, even if Taylor is older. But sweetheart, you two are half sisters. If anything, it should strengthen the bond between you, not push you apart. Taylor was very happy.”

Reagan stiffened at the mention of Taylor’s name. It going to always be about Taylor now, probably always has been, she thought.  This time she pulled away as hard as she could. and thankfully, he released her.   “Of course she was!” she spat out, “Now she has a real mother and father – a real family. My mother’s in prison! Dannie is NOT my mother. I will never have a whole family again. It’s just not fair. You were my Daddy first. It’s all your fault!”  Then a whole new batch of tears began to pour out. She just couldn’t stop crying.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” he said, “Maybe, you can learn from my mistakes. I know you are still young Reagan, but before you commit your life to someone, be sure you really know that person. Take your time and get to know them. Then maybe, nobody will wind up hurt. I’m so sorry that I’ve hurt you. I never, ever meant to do that.”  His voice broke on his last words.

His words were buzzing in her head as a horrible thought occurred to her. “Are you and Dannie getting married now?” she asked, hoping the answer was no.

“We might,” he said and sniffed,  “We wanted to wait until we told you guys about Taylor.”

If they married, then it would truly leave her and Ryan alone.  “That’s stupid. We don’t need Dannie and Taylor or Connie. You have me and Ryan! We were fine before they came along!” And once again, more tears came.

This time her father’s tone was tinged with anger. “Reagan, I know you don’t mean that! Dannie loves you and Ryan. You know she does. Connie worships you. Taylor is your best friend. It’s no different than before!”

He stopped and looked at her.  She wanted to disappear under his scrutiny.  “We are a family as much right now as we were yesterday.”  His words were harsh as he spoke. “Honey, I‘m sorry you feel like things have changed, but they haven’t! Taylor is as much your sister as Connie is. They are as much a part of this family as you and Ryan.”

Reagan could barely breathe. Now her father was disappointed in her. But not in Taylor.  It had already started. He was proud of his daughter and disappointed in her, his unwanted child. “I’m sorry Daddy,” she chuffed out to make it stop.

“I love you Reagan. Are you okay now?” he asked.

No. I never will be, thought Reagan. But she nodded anyway.  Her life, as she knew it, was over.

“Good,” said her father, sounding relieved, “if you have any questions or just want to talk, let me know.” He reached over to kiss the top of her head and she involuntarily shrunk back from his touch.  He would never fool her again into believing he cares. He sighed at her rebuff and continued. “We are going to talk again, after supper, as a family. You can ask anything, but try not to be crude like your brother. I’m going to talk to him now.”

“Daddy!” she cried out, almost desperately, near tears again, “please, don’t be mad at Ryan. He can’t help himself.”

“I beg to differ,” said her father with a pained look on his face.

She was worried that her brother was feeling even worse than she did, and was just covering it up with his smart ass remarks. She didn’t want him and Daddy to get into a fight, because Ryan might try to run away or something. Then she really would be alone. “You want me to talk to him?” volunteered Reagan.

Cole smiled at her and she teared up again. “No, sweetheart. Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on him, considering the circumstances.”

“Thank you Daddy,” she said softly, and sat there with her hands in her lap while he left.

When the door closed and her father was gone, his absence sucked the very air out of the room and she could barely breathe. She very badly wanted to call him back in and let him hold her again. She could almost believe things were normal when he had his arms around her.  She began to sob uncontrollably once more – for her, for Ryan and for what they had lost.

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Ryan looked at his ‘stepmother’ after his dad walked out to go talk with Reagan.  He knew he was in deep shit if he didn’t apologize for real. He already felt like crap for upsetting his sister, his real sister. He only meant to upset his stupid lovey-dovey  wannabe parents, aka Taylor and Connie’s parents now.

“I’m really sorry Dannie,” he said trying hard to sound sincere.

“It’s okay Ryan,” she said softly, “it was a lot to take in. Do you have any questions?”

“No,” he barked out quickly. He didn’t want to discuss his dad’s sex life with Dannie. That sucked hairy balls. “Can I please go now?”

“Yes…” she said.

Fucking awkward, he thought as he got up to leave. Now every time he looked at Taylor he would think about his dad and Dannie going at it in some hotel room. Way to go Dad, he thought, no wonder mother went off the deep end and found someone else. 

Ryan walked by Reagan’s room and could hear her and their dad talking. He could tell she was crying and it made him angry. Reagan was good – not like him. She didn’t deserve this. But he kept walking. He didn’t want to be standing there when his dad came out. He already knew he was in trouble.

He went to his room and turned on the PC and started up his video game. He didn’t want to think about what just happened.  He’d just wait for his chewing out and then go see Reagan.

A few minutes later a knock sounded on the door. He wished it was Reagan, but he knew it was his dad. Fuck, here it comes, he thought.

“Ryan, can I come in?” he asked.

“Can I say no?” he smarted back.

“No! And don’t take that tone with me. You made your sister cry,” said Cole angrily.

“That’s bullsh….BS Dad!” he shot back defiantly, “You made my sister cry! I just said what happened.”

“For real Ryan?” retorted Cole angrily, “You tried to upset Dannie because you were mad. I’m actually surprised the two of you are not happy that Taylor is your half-sister! She was thrilled.”

“Of course she is! Perfect Taylor now has it all. We used to both have a shitty parent and shared our good one. Now me and Rae only have shitty parents,” said Ryan, daring his father to dispute his claim.

When his father looked like he was going to slap him, Ryan taunted him. “Go ahead. Prove just how shitty you are – hit me!”

That seemed to take the wind out of his dad’s sails and Ryan turned to go back to his game.

His dad closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. “I promised your sister I wouldn’t fight with you.  Can you at least meet me halfway?”  he asked, his voice barely controlled.  “Please Ryan. Why does this make things different?”

Ryan sighed and sat down on the bed. Did he really have to spell it out? “For real?” he said, “Fiiine….Connie used to be half me and Rae and half Taylor. It was like she made us a real family. But now, me and Rae, we are the only ones that aren’t whole in this fu – screwed up family.”

Cole sat down next to him on the bed. “Ryan. You understand that Grandma is not my birth mother, right? And that Aunt Ami and I are half brother and sister by blood. But I love Ami the same as if she were my full blood sister, just like you love Reagan. And Grandma is every bit as much my mother to me as Dannie is to Taylor and Connie.”

“Your mother died! She didn’t try to kill your Aunt, or screw around. Plus you never even knew her! I would be easier if mine were dead too! I’m sure you probably wished she was!”

“Ryan!”

“It’s true. It would be better if she fucking died,” he cried out without thinking, “But she didn’t, she’s in prison! Probably because of  you!” He didn’t want to cry so he took a lot of short breaths.

When his Dad tried to put his arms around him he pushed him away and the dam broke. “Don’t touch me!” he said as he struggled to stop crying.

Defeated, Cole stopped trying to hug him.  “I love you Ryan. I’m so sorry you and Reagan had to go through this. But, I think I get it now. Reagan pretty much said the same thing you did. Do you guys talk to each other telepathically?”

“What?” asked Ryan confused and embarrassed that he lost his shit in front of his dad.

He just kept talking. “I made this into something it shouldn’t have been. I even just said it. DNA doesn’t matter Ryan, it’s what’s in your heart that matters. I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I handled it all wrong. I made a big deal out of it and shouldn’t have. Because Ryan, it’s NOT a big deal.”

“Bullshit Dad!” he spat out angrily, “If wasn’t a big deal you wouldn’t have lied to us about it for years. Plus, you are happy you are Taylor’s father! So it does matter! You and Dannie have a little family now.”

His Dad took a deep breath before replying. “Okay, you’re right. I am happy. But I would love her just the same Ryan, even if I weren’t her father. Maybe you should talk to Grandpa and Grandma. Let them help you and Reagan.”

“I don’t need to tell anybody else about my shit. We did that already.  And besides it won’t change anything,” said Ryan scowling. There was no way he was going through that again….it was too hard.

“What if just you and I did some things together then? It’s probably hard, being the only guy in a houseful of girls.”

Ryan narrowed his eyes at his father. “You can’t buy me off, and what about Reagan? No thanks!” he shot back.

“Ryan….” pleaded Cole.

“Forget it Dad, I’m fine,” he said, done with this.

Cole sighed and crossed his arms. “Think about it, okay? Now, I need you to apologize…”

“Already did, right after you left. I’m sorry Dad,” he said, unable to look at his dad. It was all he could do not to roll his eyes.  Just leave already! he screamed in his head.

“Good. It takes a big man to apologize. Thank you. And Ryan, watch your mouth. Connie repeats everything. If I hear her swearing it’s on you. Got it?”

“Yes sir,” said Ryan, then narrowed his eyes. “Do we have to have a stupid family meeting?”

“We do. We need to make sure everyone is okay and understands what this means to all of us.”

“Fine. Can I go see Reagan now?”

His dad smiled. “Yes. She wanted to talk to you too. And then, we’ll get together, okay?”

Ryan suppressed another eye roll. “Whatever.”

“Ryan, I love you,” he said as he walked out the door.

Liar, thought Ryan. He knew his dad cared more about his new, good family than he did him and Rea. He and Rea probably reminded him of their mother every time he looked at them.

As soon as he left, Ryan walked across the hall and knocked on Reagan’s door.  He really needed to make sure she was okay. “It’s me sis,” he called out.

“Ryan! Come in,” she said sounding relieved, “Did you get in trouble? I was so worried.”

Ryan walked in and sat on the bed next to his twin. “Nah … he asked me if I wanted to hang out.”

Reagan began to giggle, almost uncontrollably.

“Glad that’s fucking amusing,” he said irritated.

“I told him to go easy on you,” she said and stifled another giggle. “My bad…but if you want, you totally should.”

“Not interested,” he said.

She suddenly looked sad. “I know, it’s different now, isn’t it,” she said softly. “Taylor used to be like us, one of us, but now we’re outcasts, the unwanted stepchildren and Dad and Dannie are a family now with Taylor and Connie. In fact, I think ever since they showed up, that he has doted on them. Now that he has Taylor and Connie, he doesn’t need us anymore.”

“I know,” said Ryan. “It sucks. Why didn’t our mom want us? What’s wrong with us Reagan?”

Reagan’s lip started to quiver. “I don’t know Ryan. Do you think maybe she does, but Daddy keeps us away because he hates her?  He might be lying about that too, maybe she’s wanted to see us all this time.”

“Maybe. Who knows anymore,” said Ryan.  Then he got a gleam in his eye. “You know what?  Dannie cheated too. She acts like she’s all better’n everybody, but she’s no different. You know what would be funny Rea? What if she cheated on Dad too? Then Taylor would see how it feels! I hate Taylor. I never really liked either of them from the start anyway.”

“Me either!” agreed Reagan, but began to cry anyway.

Ryan couldn’t stand to see her cry.  She had cried enough when their mother was arrested. He reached out and hugged her. “It’s gonna be okay Rea, I won’t ever leave you., we’ll always have each other. We don’t need anyone else.”

“I was so afraid you would run away if Daddy yelled at you,” she confessed.

“Nope,” he said pulling her back against him, “not going anywhere, unless I take you with me. We are a team, Rea.”

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